Preparing to Meet Your Pursuer
Disclaimer: I don’t know if I have to make a disclaimer here, but anybody thinking that what follows is anything but my tongue firmly in my cheek, doesn’t need to follow the suggestions below to prove themselves loose in the mental caboose. This is not intended to be thought of as anything but an attempt at humour. There is not a word of intended truth in it. If you find something truthful here, it was an accident. If you are offended by what I have to say here, I didn’t write most of it, and found it humorous when I came across it, because I myself am mentally disabled and laughter is good medicine, and yes, I should get a life.
In response to a Complaint from an HRC/HRT, the best defence is a good offence, and I don’t mean that you should be offensive, just prepared in advance and on your toes.
Being disabled is sort of a trumping discrimination. A gay person complaining to an HRC about a mentally disabled person is going to lose, since the mentally disabled person is short a few fries from his happy meal, while the gay person will presumably have the full snack pack available.
In the event that you anticipate an HRC/HRT complaint, the following behaviours should be commenced at least a millenium prior to engaging in the behaviour for which you are going to be complained about.
Early Warning Behaviours for Seeking a Disability for Zaniness
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put Decaf In the coffee maker For 3 weeks . Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for marijuana’.
6. Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many looks you get.
7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
8. Specify that your drive-through order Is ‘To Go’.
9. Sing along at the opera.
10. Five Days In Advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you have a headache.
11. when the money comes out of the ATM, Scream ‘I won! I won!’
12. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling ‘Run for your lives! They’re loose!’
13. Tell your children over dinner, ‘Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.
14. Pick up a box of condoms at the Pharmacy. Go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
In the event that you were unable to schedule your zany behaviour in time to buffalo the inquisitors, you can still use number 5, when it comes to pay your award to the HRC after you are found guilty of whatever egregious behaviour you are purported to have committed, that was such a blot on society.