On a Lighter Note

As posting will be winding down over the holidays, I thought I’d leave you with a tuneless ditty, authored and submitted by a loyal reader, who wishes to remain anonymous.

The Lynch who stole Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house
No one had presents, not even the mouse
Despite the long held belief that he belongs with the saints
Old Santa’s been the victim of multiple human rights complaints

Historically, stopping Christmas wasn’t even achieved by the Grinch
Leave it to the authoritarian followers of Jennifer Lynch
Ensuring the complaints came to fruition
Was the work-seeking Human Rights Commission

You may ask if Santa’s required to submit
What crimes did the big guy commit?
The complaints were all related to his occupation
And every one was a human rights violation

The first involved the elves wages not being equivalent
Was there an explanation for the pay variant?
The secretaries didn’t get the same pay
As the mechanics who maintained Santa’s sleigh

Now most of Santa’s secretaries are women
And, go figure, most of the mechanics are men
A mechanic couldn’t possible be worth more in this situation
No, the tribunal decided the wage gap is discrimination

So the tribunal formulated a remedy to correct the problem
The first part involved payment equity to equalize the income
The second part was a hefty fine as a form of retraction
The past inequity corrected by affirmative action

The second complaint alleged that not everyone in Canada gets presents
It would appear Santa passed over the homes of many immigrants
Santa defended with the fact that not everyone celebrated Christmas
Christmas gifts to a Muslim were considered blasphemous

Again Santa was found guilty and a remedy formulated
Santa was a discriminatory bigot and needed to be re-educated
Santa had to realize it was simply the name that offended the complainants
From this time forward everyone will receive ‘Holiday Presents’

The third complaint involved a letter Santa sent to every Canadian household
The letter was to explain the name Holiday Presents to everyone young and old
Santa included some humour in the letter he sent
A picture of Mohammad opening a ‘Holiday Present’

The complaint went to the Tribunal despite being frivolous
Muslim groups alleged the cartoon created a context making the letter libellous
Santa was accused of spreading Islamophobia
He would get stoned if he resided in Saudi Arabia

The defence pointed out that the North Pole was outside the borders of Canada
And therefore the Tribunal had no jurisdiction to prosecute Santa
But the tribunal responded they had a duty to settle this grievance
Canadians love Santa who is likely to be a negative influence

Santa didn’t give up and was down to his last resort
He appealed the case all the way to the federal appeals Court
The judge was quick to overturn the Tribunal’s conviction
Geography made clear the Tribunal had no jurisdiction

You may think that means Santa’s of the hook, but it doesn’t
Because with the Tribunal, the process is the punishment
25 years of investigation and high cost adjudication
The North Pole went into receivership resulting in complete liquidation

Even Santa’s sleigh was sold by the auctioneer
So there will be no presents under the tree this year
All those employed by Santa indiscriminately lost their job
Men and Women alike are indebted to the Lynch Mob



5 Responses to On a Lighter Note

  1. MariaS says:

    Very, very nice. :}

  2. […] FESTIVE FREESPEECHERY– The Lynch who stole Christmas …. […]

  3. Merry Christmas to all;)

  4. […] 03-Jan-2011; Weekend commentary: blasphemy in Calgary, discrimination in Whitehorse; The Lynch who stole Christmas …. […]

  5. […] T’was the night before Christmas and all through the houseNo one had presents, not even the mouseDespite the long held belief that he belongs with the saintsOld Santa’s been the victim of multiple human rights complaints… […]

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